Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Drunk is a universal language darling
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
