I wish I only lived at night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize