I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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