Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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