totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
