Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
