I think my fart just growled at me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
