he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
