I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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