So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
