i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sorry about my life...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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