I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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