Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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