i don't like sucking hair
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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