I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
