Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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