I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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