Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
