beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
