I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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