Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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