i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
