I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
