last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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