Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize