dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
