...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize