I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
