Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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