He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
