I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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