Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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