Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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