I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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