There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
