Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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