Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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