I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
