I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
