Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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