so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
