I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize