woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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