I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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