she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize