I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
