how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
