Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
