the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
