Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize