I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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