Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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