Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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