I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize