I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
