I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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