Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
