dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You are a genius and a whore.
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